Today is another of the 'firsts' since my mom died in January. So far, we've had the first Valentine's Day without my mom, the first St. Patrick's Day, the first spring break, the first Lent, the first Easter, the first Mother's Day, the first summer vacation, and now the first birthday without her. As I look back, I can see what we've all missed without her. But I can also look forward--not only to more firsts without her, but also to a redefined life. That's really what this first year without my mom is all about--redefining myself and moving forward.
As today is her birthday--without her here--I look back at what we've done for the past several years. We usually went to lunch on her birthday, and then did something else. One year we saw the movie "Cars" because I knew all of us would like it: my son would like the animation, my mom would like the sound of Paul Newman's voice, and I would like time with my mom and son. Some years, we simply went to some of our favorite stores or antique stores to browse.
Recently, my husband and I went to a local garden center, and I wanted to shop like my mom and I shopped. I showed him flowers, garden art, and fountains. He yawned. Then he gave me all sorts of reasons why we couldn't afford all that stuff. I found myself pouting as I realized that I was treating him like my mom, browsing instead of shopping with purpose. An immense wave of sadness doused me, and I understood that those types of shopping trips were no more.
This gives me an opportunity to move forward, to redefine my shopping hobby. Rather than shop without purpose, I have a chance to figure out how to shop with purpose. This also provides room to find some new friends, or to strengthen the friendships I already have. I can't rely on my mom anymore; I have to learn to rely on myself and on others.
I look back on 42 years with my mom as I look forward to redefining myself and living life without her.
