The lovely smile

In a few short weeks, my beautiful niece turns 18. I cannot believe it! I remember the day she was born; it was a cold day with weak sunlight. I wanted to leave school to get to the hospital, but the school wouldn't allow me to go. Instead, I stood at the door, waiting for the bell, in front of all the students. As soon as the bell rang, I ran to the car and hurried to the hospital, which thankfully was close.

My brother put this tiny burrito-wrapped bundle into my arms, and I fell in love. Her eyes were tightly squeezed shut, and she made a few little baby noises...sighs and squeaks. I made a vow to her on the spot: I would always love her, protect her, treasure her.

As a baby, my niece had a sunny disposition; I remember feeding her, receiving a beatific smile from her, and then she would throw up on me. I quickly realized that was our new "normal" with this adorable baby. Another time, babysitting, I put her on my futon (I was young!) and was talking to her. She smiled her lovely baby smiled, and then she peed on my futon. It took a few tries before I learned how to put a diaper on correctly.

Never a backseat person, I loved sitting in the back of the vehicle just so I could be near  her. She'd kick her legs, chatter, and hold my hand. And always, she flashed her infectious baby smile. As she grew, we'd play "tackle" in my parents' den: she'd start at the fireplace and run toward me, sitting on the floor, and "tackle" me with all the force of her little body. I'd "fall"over, and we'd roll around like we were wrestling. She liked being outside, playing with the dog; sitting in the swing; helping me wash my car.

My mom loved her like crazy. I'd never seen my mom so happy as when my niece was over. They had fruit salad parties, played dress up, ran errands together. As the oldest grandchild, my niece was my mother's pride and joy. I'm not sure my niece will ever understand how much she was loved by her grandmother, but she was loved deeply and completely.

When my brother and his family moved an hour away, life changed. We rarely saw my niece and my nephew after that. My mom grew sad, mourning the loss of her two grandchildren, and while my son brought that sparkle back for a bit, she missed her two older grandchildren terribly.

As my niece grew, her lovely smile disappeared. A surly, quiet young woman took over. And while she has, as she's aged, regained parts of the smile that so entranced me, life has certainly dealt her some blows. And I have failed her miserably. I haven't been there to protect her; I haven't treasured her like I promised. The distance has negatively impacted our relationship, something I regret deeply.

I am proud of my niece; she has grown into a beautiful, intelligent, hardworking, athletic, and driven young woman. As she turns 18, I can't help but wonder how life would have been different if she and her brother had stayed closer to us. What makes me saddest is that she is preparing to leave home for college in a few short months. She will be more than seven hours and one ocean away. This leaves me with "I wish"...

I wish I had lived up to my promise to her.

I wish she knew how much she was loved and treasured.

I wish she would regain fully the lovely smile of her childhood.

I wish she knew how much we want her to see us.

I wish she would visit more often.

I wish her the best in her life.

I wish she won't forget us.

So much sorrow

So much sorrow right now. I'm watching the news, and it's one tragic story after another. People killing one another, babies in ICU because of reckless drivers. Israel and Palestine bombing one another. Houses exploding.

The question lingers: why? Why are there so many innocent people harmed by those who are careless, thoughtless? Why is there a baby in ICU because someone drove too fast? Why can differing countries learn to get along? Why are they intent on killing one another, possibly dragging other countries into this fight as well?

I wish there were answers. I wish I knew why. Instead, I sit in my home, comfortably, watching the suffering take place around me.

While I don't wish to have my own suffering to intensify, my heart goes out to those who are less fortunate. I pray for their suffering to ease.