Mysteries of female friendship

Confession: female friendship escapes me. Sad, but true.

I see women shopping together, working out together, dining together, and I feel stabs of envy. I would love a female friend with whom I could be myself, yet I've rarely experienced this type of friendship.

What is with all the drama in a female friendship?  I understand feelings of frustration, anger, or sadness, but it seems so difficult to work out those feelings with other women. Friends are supposed to accept one another, flaws and all, and yet I've been in friendships where I'm not accepted and where I have had difficulty accepting my 'friends.'

I am currently involved in a strange frienship, where I'm told how we're such good friends, but it sure doesn't feel like it to me. I feel like a friend of convenience, and I'm angry about how I'm used. I've begun distancing myself from this woman because I need to protect myself and my feelings rather than continue to feel hurt. Talking it out with this woman? No way! She's far too delicate and sensitive to have this kind of chat.

There are work friends, of course, but our personal lives are vastly different, which makes it difficult to sustain a friendship outside of school. I also like my personal life separate from my work life, which causes me to lose motivation when we aren't in school to stay in contact with my 'friends.'

Betrayal is the worst offense that has routinely happened to me, beginning in elementary school. The way women play one another to achieve a goal has always blind-sided and frustrated me. I constantly question a woman's desire to be my friend. Why does she want to befriend me? What does she want from me? My mistrust of other women detracts from my abilities-or lack thereof-to make friends with other women. It's been my experience that women don't want friendship from me, they want something else...help, someone to victimize, an homely friend to make them feel better about themselves.

As I write, I realize that it's no wonder I've preferred older women as friends, men, or to be on my own. Experience has taught me the difficulties of maintaining a female friendship. I don't understand women, even though I am one. I don't understand the types of games they play or why they play those games. And while I will continue to feel stabs of envy when I see women hanging out with other women, I will continue to turn to my husband and my books to sustain me.

The joys of others' birthdays

I love birthdays, whether they're mine or others'. I love thinking of what to do for someone that will let them know how special I think they are. I enjoy surprising those I love with something I think will suit them and something they will enjoy. I especially love my husband's birthday.

It's in October, which is already a gorgeous month and I think the beauty of the month adds to my joy in planning and celebrating it. This year, we picked out cards for him a month prior to his big day, just so we'd have them. I was grateful to be able to celebrate with him on his birthday instead of the day before or after. I find it hard to share him when it's his birthday.

This year my son and I made waffles for him. I also gave him a fabulous gift, the gift of bossing me around without any repercussions. We laughed a great deal on his birthday. We took a hike, one of our favorite activities. We didn't go far from our house, but far enough to see mountain goats. The day was gorgeous...clear skies, warm sunshine, cool breeze, not too hot. My husband had a fabulous time as did I. Our son was able to complain and whine and moan, which is his favorite hobby.

I was excited to have dinner at Ted's Montana Grill and spend quality time with my family. My husband had a great day, and I was happy to give him the type of birthday he enjoys.

But the real joy was mine, and the chance to make a beautiful memory for him.

Sometimes I wish for a different career

We all have those days...days where nothing seemingly goes right. Days where we stand in front of 30 students, unhappy to be forced into a clssroom. Days where parent emails, district emails, administration emails flood our inboxes. And it is those days when I wonder, what if? What if I did something different? What would it be?

I could work in a bookstore, surrounding myself with paper, ink, and coffee. I would enjoy running my hands over the new books, smelling the insides, the new print smell. I could happily help customers find books that appeal to them or read to little children, eagerly wanting to hear the latest Magic Treehouse book. I could spend hours with customers passionate about reading, discussing our favorite authors, poets, and genres. I could even read all the People magazines I want without having to buy one. And the best part? I can leave at the end of my shift and take nothing home...nothing but a book, of course.

There are downsides, however. Standing for eight hours a day, minimal breaks, minimum wage, cranky customers, crummy hours, and weekends. But it's an appealing fantasy, especially when everything is so stressful right now.

What else can I do? Work in a bank? Work in an office? Work in a department store? None of those seem appealing. Neither does real estate, waitressing, or sales. I wonder, though, what it would be like to work for 911 or some hotline. A doctor's office? Social work? What am I qualified to do?

And why, in October, am I having fantasies about a new career? I'm not having fun. Each day feels like a battle to do anything. I can complain and complain, but what good does it do? I can be stricter, but that makes even more work for me, and I'm not sure how much stricter I can be. Why can't my students be on time, be prepared, and do what's asked of them? Why do they have to make everything so difficult? Why do they get to take away my fun? Why should I do all the work? At what point do students assume responsibility for themselves? And what will happen to them when they are out in the workplace or in a college classroom, unable to function?

And while a new career sounds appealing, I think I just need a day off.

The joys and the horrors of the internet

I love the internet. I love what I can do, who I can talk to, music I can listen to, information I can find just with a bit of typing and navigation from site to site. I can talk to my sweet Kansas friend or my brother in law while surfing the 'net, listening to music, or checking with my Facebook friends. I particularly have enjoyed using search engines for research rather than the old-fashioned method of microfiche and periodic journals. I can go online and find coupons, which makes me happy. I can find out information about a restaurant, a concert, or a book. I can shop online and pay my bills too. I love spending time on the internet.

But there is a dark side to the internet. The internet allows people the anonymity to say whatever they desire, to slander one another, and to call one another vile names. Misinformation abounds on the internet, ruining reputations. Sites like Rate My Teacher allow students to anonymously rate their teachers and leave comments, hurtful comments as well as positive comments. Due to the site allowing anonymity, students can destroy hard-earned teacher reputations, allowing anyone who wishes to visit the site to see what horrible comments students make. The human brain takes years to mature, to fully understand the consequences of one's actions, but the internet allows students to vent about their teachers, ruin reputations, and they have no consequences for doing so.

Another dark side of the internet is the ability to insult anyone with no reprisals. Occasionally, I read comments people leave about various news stories, and they are often vile. Commentators can leave poorly spelled, poorly phrased comments for the world to see, and again, they can do it anonymously. The internet has reduced people's common sense, providing them with free speech opportunities they abuse. Moreover, some are able to leave semi-pornographic messages for any and all to read. I don't need to know that some girl got horney with her older boyfriend, and I can too. Ew.

I just discovered another site called Above Top Secret, a site I would never have found on my own if some of the crackpots who contacted me this past week hadn't mentioned it. Conspiracists are on it, leaving misinformation about all sorts of people and issues. I was bothered by this site because there is such gullibility in this world, and those who read the 'articles' might believe what is there. While research has grown easier, it seems as though few actually spend the time and energy researching both sides of an issue anymore.

We all know the internet allows stalkers and predators to carry out their fantasies and fetishes virtually unrestrained. Children fall victim when unsupervised on the internet as do adults. It's easy to find out information on someone. Peoplesearch and search engines similar to it allow visitors to find information on anyone. There are even sites that allow visitors to see the front of someone's house...from their computers!

The internet seems to allow anyone with any type of opinion a forum for their beliefs, including blogs like this. While there are so many positives about the internet, conversely there are so many negatives. I just don't know if I should rejoice in what the internet offers, including the negatives like pornography and personally invasive sites, or if I should be consider about the pervasiveness of the internet in our lives and in our culture.