Confession: female friendship escapes me. Sad, but true.
I see women shopping together, working out together, dining together, and I feel stabs of envy. I would love a female friend with whom I could be myself, yet I've rarely experienced this type of friendship.
What is with all the drama in a female friendship? I understand feelings of frustration, anger, or sadness, but it seems so difficult to work out those feelings with other women. Friends are supposed to accept one another, flaws and all, and yet I've been in friendships where I'm not accepted and where I have had difficulty accepting my 'friends.'
I am currently involved in a strange frienship, where I'm told how we're such good friends, but it sure doesn't feel like it to me. I feel like a friend of convenience, and I'm angry about how I'm used. I've begun distancing myself from this woman because I need to protect myself and my feelings rather than continue to feel hurt. Talking it out with this woman? No way! She's far too delicate and sensitive to have this kind of chat.
There are work friends, of course, but our personal lives are vastly different, which makes it difficult to sustain a friendship outside of school. I also like my personal life separate from my work life, which causes me to lose motivation when we aren't in school to stay in contact with my 'friends.'
Betrayal is the worst offense that has routinely happened to me, beginning in elementary school. The way women play one another to achieve a goal has always blind-sided and frustrated me. I constantly question a woman's desire to be my friend. Why does she want to befriend me? What does she want from me? My mistrust of other women detracts from my abilities-or lack thereof-to make friends with other women. It's been my experience that women don't want friendship from me, they want something else...help, someone to victimize, an homely friend to make them feel better about themselves.
As I write, I realize that it's no wonder I've preferred older women as friends, men, or to be on my own. Experience has taught me the difficulties of maintaining a female friendship. I don't understand women, even though I am one. I don't understand the types of games they play or why they play those games. And while I will continue to feel stabs of envy when I see women hanging out with other women, I will continue to turn to my husband and my books to sustain me.
