#Victim of sexual abuse?

My mother worried about me as a child, falling prey to sexual deviants, especially her stepfather, our family deviant. He'd spent her adolescence spying on her and trying to touch her, and she knew he would eventually try those same actions on me, so I was carefully watched until I was old enough to understand to keep him away from me.

However, I was recently on the massage table, and we were discussing my issues with weight. The massage therapist suggested that my need to hide myself comes from sexual abuse. But I wasn't ever sexually abused by a family member, at least to my knowledge.

But the more I considered her words, the more I thought about my experiences between ages 11-18. At 11, I already was in the throes of puberty, including budding breasts. I spent a great deal of time fending boys' hands off my breasts, butt, and crotch. Some of those grabs hurt physically, but I never considered them sexually abusive. Progressing through adolescence, the grabs were frequent, humiliating, and painful. I didn't know what to do or how to defend myself. Regardless, until I was 18, there were boys trying to get into my pants or my bra off, and many who wouldn't date me because wouldn't have sex with them.

So the question becomes: was that sexual abuse? I know today we would consider that type of touching to be sexual harassment, but does it constitute sexual abuse? As most young women have, I have had to defend my breasts, crotch, and butt from plenty of hands. Was is it that makes guys think they can treat women this way? Would their mothers or grandmothers be proud of them? Do they wonder today about their effects on all those girls they harassed in junior high and high school? I'd love to find a few of them to see how they'd respond if their daughters are touched sexually.

I know that I developed a "don't mess with me" attitude, as a former boyfriend once pointed out. That attitude helped me let guys know not to touch me without invitation. Yet, can my weight be explained because adolescent boys touched me sexually? I know I hated having breasts so young, and I'm still not a fan of them. I know I'm much more invisible as a fat woman than if I were thinner. People discount my intelligence and abilities as a fat woman; I'm not taken seriously by coworkers. The assumption most make when they see me is that I'm lazy and unworthy. Am I so used to this attitude that I'm afraid to make changes within myself?

Am I a victime of sexual abuse?

Two-Faced Woman

I had an horrific nightmare last night. One so bad, it woke me up and stayed with me all day.

I dreamt of a woman with two faces. The forward face was Evil Incarnate; gaping mouth, bright eyes, red face; it snarled and hissed. The backward face was peaceful and loving, wearing a white wimple and a black veil, like a nun. I wanted only to deal with the nun face, not the evil one, but I could only catch flashes of the nun-face.

We-me and the two-faced woman-were at my school. It was a dark and snowy day, and I didn't have adequate shoes. I kept slipping in the slush, nearly falling. The evil face laughed and mocked me while the peaceful face smiled beatifically and encouraged me. Others were around, trying to get into the school, but only I seemed to see the two-faced woman.

This has plagued me all day. Am I the two-faced woman? In some ways, yes. There are so many politics raging right nowin my building, and I find myself too close to the middle of them. I don't know who to trust or what to say, so I keep pushing myself farther into this mess. I have taken a dislike to a teacher, even though I don't know her well, because I think she's a bit of trouble.

So is she the two-faced woman? She's quickly ingratiated herself within our staff, and yet I don't know her well enough to trust her. It takes awhile before I let my guard down, and with her, I don't think it's possible. She's nice enough to my face, and I to hers, but I simply wonder.

Of course, I spent nearly an hour after school yesterday talking with a colleague. Is she the two-faced woman? I've known her awhile, and although our friendship has drifted, uncared for and unattended, we still exchange pleasantries when we see one another. I've considered all day that she could be two-faced, but I don't think it's in her.

I woke with a tremendous guilt over me, which has really made me think it's me. I have a tendency to talk out of both sides of my mouth, a terrible fault I've tried to rectify over the years. I'm also tired and disillusioned, which seems to make my verbal diarrhea worse. I wish I knew who the two-faced woman was, but I have reflected on this: either way, I need to shut my mouth and do what I'm paid to do: teach.

#Advice for the# new teacher

As we head toward the end of the school year and new teachers begin looking for teaching jobs, I'd like to offer some advice for those beginning their careers.

Find a mentor teacher who is willing to work with you, especially in high school. High school teachers are a territorial group, but there are always those who remember how difficult the first year(s) was and are willing to mentor new teacher. More importantly, listen to their advice. I know you have come from theory classes and student teaching, and you are probably filled with many good ideas. However, listen carefully to veterann teachers as well. You don't have to do as they say, but they often have encountered many of the same problems you will. Veteran teachers often feel frustrated that their experience isn't valued by new teachers, so simply listen to their advice. It many not be pertinent immediately, but you might eventually need it.

Understand that you are going to have to coach or sponsor something. It's part of the job. Moreover, you will chaperone dances. Bring a date but don't be unprofessional. It's a great way to see students in a different element and to make connections with other faculty. They also can see you out of the classroom, which helps them see you as a real person. You might even enjoy the extracurricular activities. There is an expectation in high school that teachers will attend plays and athletic events. These are enjoyable and it provides conversation for the following week.

Teaching is a time-consuming profession; understand and accept it. You will take home papers to grade. You will work weekends. Students will have to write and work problems, and as an effective teacher, you will have to grade them. Yes, grading can be a drag as well as cut into fun activities, but hey, I've brought grading to family functions. Families learn to understand and adjust. Plan lessons thoroughly, but know that they won't always go as planned. Don't be discouraged. It happens to everyone. On occasion, you will forget to plan; it happens. Have a couple of lesson plans in reserve for those days. Sometimes, those unplanned days are the best!

One area that causes me tremendous concern is teacher-student relationships. Students are children, even at 18. As a teacher, it is your responsibility to be the adult, regardless of your age. Students are not your friends or your lovers. Teachers have a professional responsibility to help students grow and learn, and it sometimes means they need to act as counselors and/or parents. But really, those who "friend"students and "hang out" with them need to grow up. They need to find friends their own age.

It's unprofessional to talk about your drinking, drug habits, or personal problems, within reason. There's no problem in informing students of something in your life that's affecting you, like death of a parent or sickness. However, befriending them and telling them all the sordid details of you life is wrong. These are children, even at 18.

Teachers also do not really have full First Amendment rights. Read your contract. There are often morality clauses in teacher contracts. Be familiar with what yours says. While discussing controversial subjects in class-within reason and control-is necessary for student growth, infusing each conversation with your own views is wrong. Give students both sides of the issue and allow them to make up their own  minds. Converting them to your religion, vegetarianism, or other ideologies is simply wrong. It's not your job.

Know that not all students, parents, or faculty will like you, and quite frankly, that's not important. What is important is that you do the best job you can possibly do for your students. There will be controversy. There will be problems. But when students are successful, or you reach that one student no one has been able to reach, you are good teacher.

What a day!

What a tough day today! Teaching is a hard enough job, but there are other factors that make it worse.

I spent today proctoring our state assessment test, a tedious task. Watching freshmen squirm, sniff, wipe noses, sharpen pencils, and bubble does not make for an exciting three hours. We are not allowed to read, grade, or do anything other than walk around and stare at the kids. Before the day was over, I'd already walked two miles.

And then...

It felt like my day erupted. One frustration after another piled up, and I was ready to hurt someone. Between parents excusing their children from attending class due to weather, to students "not knowing" if an assignment was due, to absenteeism, and finally, watching politics take their toll, I was ready to quit.

And then...

A student I had last year stopped by for a surprise visit today. It was wonderful to see him and talk with him. While his visit didn't necessarily appease my frustration, he reminded me why I teach. I absolutely love visits from former students, and seeing one who dropped out was especially delightful. As awful as I perceived my day to be, knowing I've impacted an individual reminds me that I have to back each day; I have work to do.

I am a lucky person; I have mostly great students, current and former. I have been blessed throughout my twenty years, and I'm glad I go back tomorrow.