My mother worried about me as a child, falling prey to sexual deviants, especially her stepfather, our family deviant. He'd spent her adolescence spying on her and trying to touch her, and she knew he would eventually try those same actions on me, so I was carefully watched until I was old enough to understand to keep him away from me.
However, I was recently on the massage table, and we were discussing my issues with weight. The massage therapist suggested that my need to hide myself comes from sexual abuse. But I wasn't ever sexually abused by a family member, at least to my knowledge.
But the more I considered her words, the more I thought about my experiences between ages 11-18. At 11, I already was in the throes of puberty, including budding breasts. I spent a great deal of time fending boys' hands off my breasts, butt, and crotch. Some of those grabs hurt physically, but I never considered them sexually abusive. Progressing through adolescence, the grabs were frequent, humiliating, and painful. I didn't know what to do or how to defend myself. Regardless, until I was 18, there were boys trying to get into my pants or my bra off, and many who wouldn't date me because wouldn't have sex with them.
So the question becomes: was that sexual abuse? I know today we would consider that type of touching to be sexual harassment, but does it constitute sexual abuse? As most young women have, I have had to defend my breasts, crotch, and butt from plenty of hands. Was is it that makes guys think they can treat women this way? Would their mothers or grandmothers be proud of them? Do they wonder today about their effects on all those girls they harassed in junior high and high school? I'd love to find a few of them to see how they'd respond if their daughters are touched sexually.
I know that I developed a "don't mess with me" attitude, as a former boyfriend once pointed out. That attitude helped me let guys know not to touch me without invitation. Yet, can my weight be explained because adolescent boys touched me sexually? I know I hated having breasts so young, and I'm still not a fan of them. I know I'm much more invisible as a fat woman than if I were thinner. People discount my intelligence and abilities as a fat woman; I'm not taken seriously by coworkers. The assumption most make when they see me is that I'm lazy and unworthy. Am I so used to this attitude that I'm afraid to make changes within myself?
Am I a victime of sexual abuse?
