It seems like odd numbered years are bad years, at least for us. In 2001, for example, I nearly miscarried early in my pregnancy, and, at the same time, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. My husband was working in Greeley while I stayed home in Denver, confined to 23 hours a day bed rest. 2007 was a horrific year...between pickup trucks landing in our front yard, to men landing on our roof with our house surrounded by police, to a burglary, it was terrible.
2011, however, is the worst year yet, I think. Between all the deaths we've dealt with, financial troubles, and personal issues, I'm so glad this year is nearly over. Each time something else life-altering has happened, I think that the year can't worsen, and then it does. I have learned a great deal from this year, and while I wish I could change some parts, this year has truly molded me into a better person.
2011 has humbled me in numerous ways and made me grateful for all I have. Losing my mother in January made me rethink my life and all I take for granted. I can no longer call her and complain about something; now I have to figure out how to handle problems on my own. I spend time occasionally, thinking about my mother's life, and while I don't know everything about her, I do know what parts I want to emulate and what I want to do differently. In some ways, it feels like I have to stand independently now, on my own two feet, and at the same time, find my bearings. My mother was the anchor holding my family together, and now she's gone, we have to figure out how to be a family without her running interference between us. This is a difficult road.
Our other area of struggle, finances, continues to plague us. Bouncing checks is a costly venture, as we've discovered, so we're doing our best to watch what we spend. And frankly, there isn't much we need other than food, paying our bills, putting gas in our vehicles, and keeping our son in shoes. Being an aware and conscientious grocery shopper is a goal of mine, and I work hard to buy what's on sale and only what we need. Yesterday, I saved 68.00 at the market. We have been forced to consider what is wasteful spending...like Costco...and what is useful spending. We are also forced to look at our checkbook more than once every two months. Our financial struggles make us better and more astute people.
Work has been tough, but I am doing my best to persevere. I do a great deal of self talk, reminding myself that I became a teacher for the students. And while there are those students who try to suck the life out of their teachers, several of whom I seemed to have had in 2011, there are plenty of others who want to learn, to think, and to be better people. I remind myself to concentrate on those students, which allows me to find the motivation to go to school each day.
I now understand, better than I ever have before, the fragility of life. In a flash, my life could be over. I find it crucial to live a good life, to try new things--foods, places, people, in order to better experience life. I want my son to know how much I love him, and how proud I am of him. I want to work with my husband to have a wonderful marriage. I want to spend time with my father because I don't know how much time we have left. 2011 was personally one of the worst years of my life, but some good has come from those struggles, especially within me.
I am glad, though, there's only one day left.
