I try hard to be considerate of others's feelings when I work with them. Whether they are my students or my colleagues, or even my family, I try hard not to make insensitive comments. Today was different. In a conversation with a colleague, one for whom I have a great deal of respect, I made a rude and insensitive comment.
Several years ago when we hired this colleague, I felt the interview process was unfair. I thought we were there to hire the best candidate, and ultimately I know we did hire the best teacher for the position, but at the time, it felt like she was already selected and the interview proces was strictly a formality. Moreover, I was written up a few days later because my behavior was perceived as "unprofessional," even though the accusation against me were not true. I have refused to participate in further interviews because of that experience.
However, we were talking today because our department is about to lose three teachers, and rumor has it a middle school teacher has been promised a job at our school. Contractually, that's illegal. Realistically, it could be true. I let it slip that it felt like when she was hired. I should have stopped myself but didn't.
I question my motives. Why tell her that, after all these years? Why dredge up the past? What do I gain from hurting her feelings? She's worked hard to be an important and significant member of our department, and I really like working with her. In fact, she is one of two teachers who I'd like to partner with. I feel terrible, and I know what must be done; I need to face her and apologize tomorrow.
Hurting another's feelings is usually motivated by a desire to inflict pain. As I reflect on my mouth, which often gets me into trouble, and my motivation, I have no desire to hurt my colleague. I wish I could understand why I said what I said.
