My eyes open wide and I look at the clock. Not possible! 3:30 in the morning. I get up, stretch, get back in bed, and...wide awake.
I go through an entire day, frantically trying to exhaust myself so I can sleep, and then I get into bed and can't sleep. I'm anxious about sleep. In fact, as someone who has had sleeping troubles nearly all my life, I find my greatest anxieties are about my ability to fall asleep and stay asleep.
Again, wide eyes, look at the clock...4:00 am. What the hell? Wide awake and four am. I lay in the comfort and warmth of my bed, hoping to drift back into a dreamless sleep, hoping for just another hour, but to no avail. Wide awake.
It seems there is much to consider in the predawn hours. Most of my worries are about my job. I'm frustrated with the student body president who missed four days of school and hasn't enquired about our class. I'm upset with the parents and students who think it's okay to miss English once a week for "appointments." I mean, it's not like we do much or they need to pass the class to graduate. Plus, the ACT is coming, and my students are far from ready for it. And part of my evaluation depends on their ACT scores.
I'm worried about my AP students who aren't reading or attending class. Again, it's as if nothing happens if they aren't in the room. It's also registration time; will I have enough students to fill seats in my AP classes? I'm worried about my IB position; am I doing a good enough job to warrant a second year, or will my position be handed to someone else?
And then I'm hungry each morning; I could eat at 3:30 or 4 am; is it stress that's causing my hunger or am I really hungry? Stress causes me to eat, which I can ill-afford, and then I'm stressed because I gain weight.
Am I perimenopausal? I wish I knew. Without my mom here, I don't know what to expect. I ask the ladies I work with, but we're all about the same age and no one is quite sure what's going on. I don't think I'm ready for menopause yet, but I know being ready and experiencing don't necessarily align.
I'm a natural worrier, as evidenced by my past couple of nights, and I can't seemingly stop it. But I'm so tired, and I can't wait to go to bed. I just hope I can calm my worries and fall asleep.
