I know a woman who proudly and loudly proclaims herself a feminist, but when asked to define it, she struggles to clearly state her views. I've heard women and men denounce feminists as 'man haters.' Rush Limbaugh has referred to feminists as 'femi-nazis.' Feminists are believed to be 'bra burners.' But really? Do these definitions, or lack thereof, truly define feminism?
What if the definition of feminism were personal for each of us? In my mind, feminism is respect for others and the decisions they make for themselves and their families. For example, those women who choose not to change their names after they marry, why do we judge them? Women are no longer property whose last names identify their 'masters.' Many of my female students support changing names after marriage, but when asked why, can only offer the rationale that they want to. This is fine! But let's not judge those who keep their names or who hyphenate. Society does not hold the same expectation for men who marry. In fact, men who change or hyphenate their names to match their wives' names are often the subject of ridicule. Respecting a decision of whether or not to change a name, for example, is being a true feminist.
Another personal decision women make is whether to stay home or go to work after children come. I've found a plethora of stay at home moms who say, "I don't want strangers raising my children" or "I'm the one to teach my children" or even "Why have children if you aren't going to be home with them?" Those comments have routinely cut me, and other moms who work outside the home, to the core. My child has been raised by my husband and myself, not strangers. I also work; some well meaning women will say, "Well, if you have to work, at least you're a teacher and can be home in summers." Ouch. A true feminist will support a woman's decision to work and have children or to stay home with children. No one knows my family's financial situation but my husband and me. No one knows why I have to work--both for psychological reasons as well as financial reasons. Yet, I have been judged for my decision to work since my son was in my womb. Not all women work because they don't like their children or they want fancy clothes, expensive cars, and exotic vacations. And yet, women judge one another based on their 'sacrifices' to their families. No doubt, staying home full time with a family is a sacrifice and is difficult work. I have no intention of minimizing the contributions stay at home moms make to their families, our schools, and society in general. I just wish they felt the same way toward those of us who work outside our homes.
As a woman and a feminist, I know there are some things I cannot do like my husband. He is definitely physically stronger than I am. He has a better understanding of math than I do, although I do know a man whose wife has a better understanding of math than he does. However, we are both intelligent, competent people who complement one another. No one can take apart stuck Legos like I can, for example. I multitask in a way he cannot fathom. The best part of our relationship, though, is that we support one another fully. I don't expect to be treated exactly like my husband because I am not him. I do expect to be treated with respect, which takes many different forms.
Ultimately, that's what feminist bashers miss. Feminists aren't after 'separate but equal' treatment. We want to be respected for the decisions we make. I don't want to walk into a typically male domain, say an auto parts store, and be treated like a moron. Just because my husband is a guy doesn't mean he necessarily knows more or less about auto parts than I do. Don't judge me because I'm a woman. In fact, don't judge me at all. I make decisions for myself and my family based on careful consideration and in fellowship with my husband, not based on my ovaries or fallopian tubes.
I am a proud feminist.
