Tonight my heart is heavy, overflowing, toilet-like, with emotion. I think of my absent family....my nana, my mom, my Aunt Edie, and I find that I miss them terribly. As I mourn their passing, I mourn for myself, for what I've lost. Stories, family history, love. And while these memories live within my mind and my heart, I'd rather have my loved ones with me.
My heart is heavy as I think of former students whose names and faces rattle around in my memory. Snippets of our times together flash before me, making me smile or frown, feeding my soul, reminding me why I teach. I watched a former student perform with his rappapella group, tears welling in my eyes as I listened to the beauty of his words and voice, remembering his warm smile and way with words.
So many people have drifted in and out of my life over the years, and their spectres weigh on me. My heart is heavy, overflowing, emotional, wishing for what I can't have, remembering what has passed. I feel old tonight. Alone. Burdened by what has been. Struggling to look toward what might be. Realizing how many lives I've touched and how my life has been touched by the students I've taught. Knowing they don't remember me, but I remember them.
My losses feel great, overwhelming, and I feel adrift with pictures and voices rattling around in my head. Each of my students leave a fingerprint on my heart, and I'm sad and happy, knowing for a brief moment our lives crossed, we became different people because of this moment, this time together, and then they're gone. As they should.
