Today is a do-nothing day, not because there isn't anything to do but because I'm anxiously awaiting a phone call, much like a teenaged girl, to schedule a mammogram.
Normally, I'd go about my day, not worrying about something like missing a scheduling phone call, but I've found a lump in my breast and my doctor felt it too. Could be nothing. But with my family history of breast cysts and breast cancer, I can't afford to blow this off.
I'm not panicked, at least not yet. Granted, it's been nearly 11 years since my mom found her own breast lump, and only she panicked then. My lump feels about the same size as hers, but it's in a different spot. Most breast cancer survivors describe their lumps as pea-sized and hard, but my mom's was large and squooshy, like a cyst. It wasn't until the diagnosis of breast cancer did we all panic a bit for my mom.
Today is a do-nothing day because I'm in limbo, awaiting an appointment that could change my life. I feel immobilized until I get the call, and I have no motivation to leave the house. I keep trying the idea of positive thought, as in, there's no way I can have breast cancer at 44. But really, anything is possible. For awhile, I wanted to bury my face in a tub of ice cream, but instead, I went and took a nap. Ice cream won't help me feel better in the long run.
The worst part is the fact I have no one to call and discuss this with. The person I would have called, my mom, is gone. There's no one else I want to talk to. I feel like I'm doing this alone.
Today, I miss my mom.
