I believe greatly in the power of forgiveness. We are human, and we make mistakes through our own selfishness or through our own carelessness. Because we easily make mistakes, we often humble ourself and ask forgiveness of those we hurt. There are times we are hurt, and while those who hurt us may not or cannot realize what they've done, we find peace through forgiving them and moving forward.
However, as much as I try to forgive one person in particular, I find I cannot. Just as I think I have forgiven all she has done to me, I am reminded of another action she has done, and I'm angry again. I often think I've moved past the hurtfulness, but then I know I haven't. I'm still angry, still resentful about being hurt. I can barely stand to be in her presence because I cannot believe one person can be so unaware, so careless, and so selfish about the hurt she has caused me.
Forgiveness is important, but I cannot find it in my heart to forgive her. My anger eats at me and slips out when I least expect it. I know it is unhealthy to hold onto my anger, but never has there been a single apology for the hurt she has caused and continues to cause.
The hardest part is that I cannot distance myself enough to work through my anger, to find forgiveness within me. Instead, I continue to keep score; I hoard past hurts as some sort of vile treasure to be brought forth whenever another hurt is delivered. And there's bound to be more. We see one another too often for me to have some respite, to recover my equilibrium, and to find forgiveness in my heart.
I am bombarded with messages about forgiveness everywhere I go. Billboards, meditations, homilies in church speak to the need to forgive one another. But so often, forgiveness is meted out when someone recognizes the hurt they have caused and ask forgiveness of another. In my case, there has been no recognition of hurt, no apologies for being hurtful.
So the questions remain: how do I forgive someone who blatantly and regularly hurts me? How do I move past this anger and resentment? How do I continue to interact with her, when really, all I want to do is cause pain to her? How do I move forward?
