People pay great lip service to overcoming bullies and bullying; schools have "bullying prevention programs," but the reality is that bullying occurs each day, in schools and in varing professions. My own son is currently being bullied, which reminds me of the bullying I experienced in school. I'm having difficulty in remaining an objective guide throughout this experience. Eventually, this is what I want him to know:
Dear Son,
I couldn't sleep last night, thinking about the names you're being called. I have been called those names for years. Each one is like a knife, puncturing my skin, leaving another scar. In addition to "fatty," "fatso," and "fat ass," I have also been called, "fucking bitch," names you have also experienced. While I'm listing names, let's remember "hungry, hungry hippo," a name so scarring, I have never wanted to go near the game.
As each name penetrated me, I found myself identifying with it. I realized I was fat, I was a bitch. I adopted an "I don't care" attitude and began eating myself to death. I walled up my pain, hid behind a facade so seeingly normal, no one would know the pain I've felt and continue to feel today. I knew I was ugly; I was sure no one would ever love me. I saw myself through the eyes of others rather than my own. I overlooked my talents and abilities because others never saw them. They saw a fat, homely girl. So did I when I looked in the mirror.
I stopped looking, really looking, at myself. I let others control my thoughts and emotions. I knew I was never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough. My self didn't exist unless others validated it. Without validation, I simply didn't seem to exist. I faded into classrooms, hid behind books, wore frumpy, lumpy clothes thinking they disguised me. I wore a "leave me alone" expression, forbidding any hope of closeness. I shut myself down, immune--or so I thought--to the opinions of others.
What I've come to realize, however, is that I have to define and acknowledge myself; no one should or has the right to do it for me. I'm intelligent, attractive, healthy. I have a nice smile and pretty eyes. I am a hard worker, seeking to challenge and improve myself. I don't need others to define me, to give me form and shape. I can do that myself.
Letting down some barriers has helped me tremendously with self-acceptance. I will never be perfect in the eyes of others. I can be myself. I validate myself. And I encourage you, my sweet, funny son, to do the same. Never will you be 'right' or 'perfect' in everyone's eyes. But you can embrace who are are and love yourself with all your imperfections.
Those who feel the need to criticize you, to bully you, are lacking their own sense of self; they often feel insignificant. They look for those whom they can hurt, just as they are hurting inside. They want others to feel that pain. Their pain is not your pain nor mine. You have much to offer the world as well as other people. Too bad for those who can't see you for you.
I love you, my handsome young man.
