The other night I was on a massage table, listening to my massage therapist talk about her daughter's wedding when I realized something: I miss women's conversation.
Sure, I converse with women at my school, but it's usually about classes, curriculum, and students. When I think of women's conversations, I think of the stories we tell one another, the empathy we can show, and the laughter at shared situations.
I don't have women's conversations anymore, with my mom gone. I miss her stories, our talks, our times sharing. It's gone and I don't know where to find it. My life is surrounded by men, and our conversations aren't quite the same.
It's ironic that I've realized this loss within myself because I never thought of myself as a "woman's woman." I generally prefer the company of men because I find it less complicated, less stressful. But now, two and half years after my mom's passing, I find myself lonely and a bit desperate to have women's conversations.
We talked about so much; I never truly realized how much talking we did. There was always something to say, to share. I miss her advice about problems in my life. I miss her sympathy. I miss talking to her about my husband and son. I miss her stories of growing up, her complaints about my dad, and her silliness and laughter.
I don't know how to fill the gap her death has left in my life.
It would be different if I had female friends, but I don't. I don't quite understand female relationships or the intricacies of said relationships. At least I understood my mom, for the most part, and what she expected of me. I don't understand what women want of one another or why it's so difficult to understand them.
And I don't even know if it's possible at my age to find female friendship and conversation. I just know how much I miss it.
